overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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