Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
