tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
