We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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