So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
