Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
