Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
