I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
