Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
