i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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