dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
