I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
