At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
