this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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