So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
