YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
