i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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