I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
