We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize