i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
