took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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