dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
