its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It was confusing and full of hummus
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
