I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
