If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
