please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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