dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
