I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
