Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
