apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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