dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
