do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
