When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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