i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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