a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
