When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
