she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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