Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
