Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
