it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
