I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
