did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
