I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Randomize
