What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
