she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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