if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
