quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize