you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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