You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
