DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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