Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
