too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
