Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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