So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
