Whod you bang
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
