I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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