Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
