ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
