How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
