Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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