News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
