There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
