My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I have already put on my inside pants.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
