Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
