i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I think your dad took our porno
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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