just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my vag is so smooth its legendary
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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